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Archives: December 2009
Wed Dec 30, 2009
Go Away
If you don't want to catch me blogging feelings of an almost human nature. Just go. Don't read. Don't come back. This is, in large part, a place for personal blogging. It always was.
If you are part of my life, or ever were, you may recognize yourself here. Or worse, not, which might should alarm you, but you don't have to read. I am not forcing you to. That is all.
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The Rest Is Epilogue
A year ago this day I was dumped officially. Not unexpected, in that the roots of it went back four years and I knew it was an alternative I'd invited all along by passively awaiting change. Not preferred. Not something I expected such external influence on. Not unthreatened. Not even final, it turned out. That would come the next month. Most of all, not something I expected to spark from such a trivial, inane incident that wasn't even much of an incident.
It's been a long year of letting go.
It was only a few months ago that I grasped how much I loved her, that it was a problem I still did, that it was why, along with other factors, I reacted as I did - with fear and avoidance of confrontation. Even though I'd long since decided and been certain I'd not want her back even if there were such a possibility, it took that recognition to let go and actually fall out of love, start to recover, start to think about having a life beyond. If I ever do get past my certainty that I never want to get entangled again so much as casually, that will have been a first and urgent step. Certain as I am, it seems a shame to stop at the one experience. Oddly, those years and a marriage and three kids later, I still feel as if I am waiting, still a newbie, still mystified, still wondering what it's all about, and is it really all that to be worth the trouble, and why would anyone want me even if the hypothetical stuff is real and possible. For my psyche, it's as if it never happened. Maybe worse than if it hadn't. Maybe not.
I was lucky enough to be on MassHealth, for all I despise the very concept of socialist healthcare, and until my last appointment on September 11, I was able to undergo counseling, considered a good idea if you have a pending divorce. I was luckier to be able to meander through a lot of sessions that just happened to culminate in a major breakthrough on the last one. There have only been two times since that I have wished I could see my counselor again (and I'd be happy to pay cash for the privilege, if I had it, which is something I'd never have expected to say about that entire concept). Funny thing was, I spent my first two sessions talking mainly work and school history and such, before getting heavily to the whole marital thing. The last session was a logical closure to that, as there is a similarity to my relationships with certain bosses. I could easily have kept going, and would have every so often had I been covered for it. Beyond being a dominant personality type compared to me, I'd finally realized I was afraid of her. The counselor thought the better word might be intimidated, but I ultimately disagreed after time and reflection. It was weeks later when I realized how much the degree to which I loved her was a factor, and how much I still did. It was like a final tumbler clicking into place, and I'd have liked to share it with the counselor. It was as if admitting that was key to eliminating the feelings. Liberating. That has led to a ton of reflection not only on other relations with people, and how I interact, but also to a ton of reflection on possible root sources. How I relate to authority figures. Who I consider authority figures. What intimidates or scares me. Why this seems to apply more to female than male figures, and why females become authority figures in my eyes almost by default. What factors make me deal rationally with some authority figures, and what can change that. That kind of thing.
So. Answers or not, here I am, caretaker of three autumn year kids I'd come to expect never to have after wanting so very much, ruined income, ruined earning potential, devastated economy, just seeing the light to being able to work despite circumstances and interruptions. A post like this - and personal blogging or not, it factors eventually to income and is "work" as well as pleasure and a once and future surrogate for what I got out of counseling - is almost impossible to write coherently. If you call it coherent even when it's not the effort of multiple hours and interruptions. As I will have posted subsequent to this, I will blog personal here. I'll try to be pleasant and light on some details and all that, but it's what this place is about, it's what I lost when I lost blogging to the rest of my life. If you don't want to know, go away, don't read here.
And on that note, I believe I either have to say a lot more, or nothing more. There are posts enough and time down the line. Can't have the kids flooding the bathroom with tub water. You should see the ceiling in the neighbor's bathroom below us from last time.
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Fri Dec 25, 2009
Big Day
Six years ago right now I was in the air, halfway across the country, making one of the biggest mistakes of my life, except for the caveat of my three awesome little consequences. I was a babe in the woods. She was not, and so I can't imagine what in the world she was thinking.
Not to say I had no reservations, before or after meeting in person. I just dismissed my reservations too lightly, didn't believe age mattered, couldn't have imagined what hormones could do, and didn't grasp my own psychology or the still occluded reasons why I would relate and react to certain types and individuals certain ways.
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