Archives: May 2009
Sat May 30, 2009
There Is Too Much
Want to post. Have some stuff. There is just so much! Have a link that made me think and that I talked of at counseling, relative to passivity and work and as applied to marriage. There is medical, though I usually would update that at Blogblivion. There is something slipping out of my head even as I type. Oh, boundaries! A book and concept recommended by the counselor, which I previewed slightly on Google and was struck by because anecdotal people right in the intro about what boundaries are were essentially me, in marriage and life. I may have to find the actual book after all.
For now, more coffee as I prepare myself for work and await Deb's arrival so I can indeed leave. She's on her way.
Oh, too funny, in counseling I ended up having to explain to her what Carnival of the Capitalists was and the concept generally, as an example of something I decided to do an just did boldly. Oddly (didn't think of or mention at the time), I realized that Deb and marriage around the same time don't qualify, because it was more about accepting what came my way, and she was very much in command of the situation. The boldest I got was coming up with a way to go meet her in person sooner rather than later. Anyway, more coffee!
Tue May 26, 2009
I may leave this one intact, use it for certain things, and start another as a similar yet differently focused one. Let this one revel in its age, maybe not even try to port it to WordPress, but if I do be prepared to revert if it doesn't work. I hate to be too mercenary, but really if I can build more of an empire where ads can go, supplementing my income, then yay.
I'm kind of thinking to leave the Jay Solo identity behind, feeling like it's an artifact of a past that wasn't as real as could be. That's part of the impetus for a new blog with a new theme. Perhaps very themed. Which would be why some stuff might have to remain here.
Hmmm... then again, maybe I'd better port this to WP, as I was planning to keep Twitter updates going to the blog this will subsume once the domain I intend not to renew expires.
You Are Highly Colorful
You are intensely alive and very passionate.
You are optimistic about the world and about people.
You feel very connected to others, and you tend to be a harmonizing force.
You are vibrant and receptive. You are ready for whatever the world has to offer you.
Thu May 21, 2009
Seems a Funny Result
You Are Super Spiritual
You are in touch with the world around you, and you find peace in connecting with others.
You believe that every life is special and that every life has a purpose.
You value harmony and understanding. You try not to judge, bicker, and fight.
As simple as it sounds, you truly think it's important to make the world a better place.
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Mon May 18, 2009
Brave? Yes and no. I've read the linked article, which represents a wonderful way to make lemonade, and in one spot sounds like a spat between me and my departed.
Well, okay, brave it may be, true confessions and all. The actions were pretty stupid, and so obviously wrong that, well, I can't believe so many people fell for the bubble and the forces behind it. After all, I've been writing about the obvious real estate bubble since 2003, and that without having an onerous student loan that declares me a degreed economist, or full awareness of what was behind the blatently dangerous surface, or a job in the financial sector or the traditional press that covers (for?) it.
But I am here for the money part.
Since when is $120,000 a paltry income? When the fuck did that become sobworthy?
I don't think so.
Yes, writing isn't lucrative, generally, much like acting isn't, except when it is in spades. Yes, generally you could do something more so, but it's for love of the career. It's what you want, if that's what you're doing.
What's sobworthy here? Four frickin grand a month in child support and alimony!? Nobody pays alimony anymore. It's 2009, not 1959. That's anal rape by judicial decree, taking that much of a guy's good but neither endless nor guaranteed forever income.
If anyone ever needed to write a timely book, promote it to the hilt, and generate some extra income, it's him, to help make up for having all that money stolen, which helped ensure his stupidity was indeed that stupid and ended that badly.
By 2004 it was obvious to anyone who didn't have a stake in perpetuating the fraud that this was going to end badly and probably not that far in the future. And, well, obvious to them, too, blinders by choice and to their benefit.
It seems that Megan has had second thoughts about the post links above, along related lines to where my lack of sympathy lay.
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Shampoo, Meet Soap?
You Are Shampoo
You are refreshing and cheerful. You don't hold on to a lot of baggage in life.
You are a true optimist. For you, every day is a fresh start.
You are confident and bold. You are proud of who you are, simple as that.
You are passionate about life and its possibilities. You don't hold back.
It's about 1/4 right lately, but it's closer to 100% when I am normal/as I prefer to be, which is of course the objective.
Thu May 14, 2009
Testing My Metal
You Were Born into the Metal Element
You are an energetic, active person who values ambition. You think success is important.
You are very unique and competent. You know how to live a good life, without following anyone else's rules.
You have to watch out for anxiety. Sometimes you find it hard to let go and relax.
You are stubborn and persistent. You won't give up out of principle, even if it's the right thing to do.
 comments (701 views) | link
I really wanted to sit and write about goals before my next counseling session, which is in less than 90 minutes, with a shower and shave required before then. Both in the sense of what to get out of the counseling, and more broadly, which would interlock anyway. Obviously if I want to see myself become on a permanent basis the version of me who says "here is how things will be" or "I want this" and makes it happen, that is something it can help tool me for. I've gotten remarkable amounts accomplished in little windows of what should be normal, when I've not acted like the nays belonged having the final say, the proverbial much beaten dog.
In a way, anything else I could name is secondary to or flows from that. Or supports that. Moving out of here? Is an active decision, along those lines, and supports that, because I am not in an environment where I can be myself, let alone to that degree. All else is detail. She wants ASAP to mean I hit someone's couch, pull myself together, but still come babysit 50 hours a week, and if I get work besides what I have, it should still work around her. I want ASAP to mean I get enough more money coming in to relatively quickly save a deposit for a small apartment, obviously be earning enough to pay for it and all that's involved and be getting ahead enough to buy the car that will be rapidly required. I view moving out as a cleaner break than that, because it will have to involve much employment on my part, or the ability to really do freelance/self-employed work unencumbered, and while I am not tired of the kids beyond a reasonably normal "a week apart might be nice," I feel so utterly trapped in the role and by her, she and the role both have to go when the transition occurs. But that's all details.
I miss the charismatic version of me. Which still comes forth sometimes, and needs to be in check sometimes anyway - like not bumping someone else out of the lead or spotlight when they belong there. That's the me who naturally gravitates to leadership of a group of people, who naturally rises in a workplace.
Those are two big things that being depressive takes away.
And I have to publish this and go! Again, lack of time made for writing all I wanted. At least I've been thinking, which itself has been antidepressive.
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Wed May 13, 2009
Hypertensive Energy Cycle
Last night I got about 3 hours of sleep. Really a fraction more. Henry had slept massively late with his mother in the morning, getting the proverbial Longest Night Ever of sleep. Then something happened in which he apparently got genuinely hurt - the girls of course have no idea what transpired, in a whistle innocently and polish our halos sort of way - and in response he cried himself to sleep for a couple hours or so late afternoon/evening. Then when I got us all to bed, already late because dammit I was doing some of the dishes first, he was completely uninterested in sleeping. He ended up with me, plastered to me pushily, eyes wide open, and finally fell asleep more or less soundly after pushing me out of the way so he could lay across the width of the bed. Sat up, then laid on the floor beside him, briefly until I was sure he really was wide asleep, at which point I left the room for my office floor, detouring to the computer for not very long because hello, late. His eagerness not to sleep made it a fun night for the other adults later, but that's neither here nor there. Though it is possible I might have heard my alarm and snoozed rather than getting up, had he not also been screaming at the time.
Today's shift I was back to my normal unloading of trucks. If anything, I did less work on incompatibles than normal, rather than being entirely in charge of them. That was a fun couple shifts, energizing, because apparently I am more bored than I would have credited otherwise. Which also could be a factor here.
I will never match my counterpart, though we can almost match each other if we unload a trailer together, so not sure what the deal is with him being probably 50% faster than me alone. I suspect I speed up and he slows down. It's like programming, where throwing a 2nd person at it doesn't double the speed.
I rocked, unloading about 2.5 of the 6.6 trailers worth of packages. Felt very energized, more than the coffee would account for, so I was blaming it on having had a couple days off from unloading trailers. Four days, since my days off fell in the stretch.
Then I got home and realized I had forgotten my blood pressure pills yesterday! Oops. Been pretty reliable, really, missing maybe once in a couple weeks.
That made me reflect on what is a clear cycle surrounding them.
If I skip them one day, having taken them reliably and being, as a result, dragging, I have a massive, almost unnatural burst of energy. That is, I function like a normal person. Perhaps more, but probably just normal. Kind of like being depressive, then having a time you aren't, and feeling so manic by comparison you might wonder is this really how most people are normally. Except more physical.
If I skip them a second day, it might continue, but after that it'd start to wane. Overall, though, I'd be more energized than if I were taking the pills. Going long enough off of them and having high enough blood pressure seems associated with a degree of energy loss, almost like being on them long enough for the full effect to kick in.
So if I have been off them long enough, there might be a burst of energy when first on them, then it fades. Ultimately, on them is worse than off them. The exception was when I also took Lexapro, which made me be always - well, generally - more energetic despite the blood pressure drugs, which also had to be reduced so it wouldn't be too low.
Not sure what else I may have been planning to say, but it's bedtime and some and I hadn't finished and posted this, so in order to keep it making temporal sense, I'll do that now.
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Tue May 12, 2009
The Bane of Hypertensives!
You Are Salty
There's something about you that makes the world a better place.
You make life more colorful, more flavorful, and more vibrant.
You get along well with others. You always have something to add.
Without realizing it, people can become very addicted to you.
 comments (689 views) | link
I dunno. I developed the habit of announcing happy birthday to family and to bloggers and whoever, collecting them to the point of birthdays almost daily. It made for something to post almost no matter what, and tickled some people.
When Deb first announced we were breaking up, late December, after a weird incident where she had a point but seemed unnaturally furious after letting me believe we had settled on and she was okay with a particular and not illogical course of action, she had already ceased wearing her ring and to her chagrin I hadn't noticed. I kept mine on for perhaps another month, but stopped posting on our blog as an equivalent gesture. That put a stop to the birthdays.
There was some hemming and hawing about the breakup, with a subsequent major late night declamation - oddly don't remember what triggered it, as I do with the less extensive two in the series, followed by her extracting an admission that I didn't agree we should but went along because it was what she wanted and would presumably make her happy. If there's nothing else to know about our relationship and how we got where we are, I almost always strove to do what she wanted - presumably meaning what would make her happy - day to day and minute to minute, seldom saying no or objecting, just hoping when this became a Particularly Bad Thing that she would recognize as much, but for my part being dismayed and carrying it to excess (sort of like a union "work to rule" action) to an increasing and stupid degree. This wasn't supposed to be what the post was about, but may as well finish the thought. The third, final, presumably absolute declaration of breakup was when they discovered my medical symptoms had an apparent cause, at which point she realized she would not want to be tied to me legally were I incapacitated as an eventual result.
Somewhere in there I started posting again, because it was hard to resist, the blog was a source of revenue and better if active, and it was where the family looked for updates on things like the kids, health, etc. However, I learned that she had long considered my birthday posts creepy. That made me hesitate to start them again.
Are they creepy? Because it's weird if someone Googles himself and gets my happy birthday as a result? Or is it a nice gesture?
What made me think of this is today being Deb's mother's birthday. I forgot to post on her grandmother's, as I'd intended, but her mother might actually see the birthday wish, and I adore her mother. I full expect her to take Deb's side, though I might hope she'll understand the full picture - plenty of fault to go around, and if I ascribe most to me, I operated in the opposite of a vacuum. But she's still cool. I wish I'd been able to take more advantage of her being out here when Henry arrived. It was strange, because she was her to help with and deflect the kids, so I could focus hard for that time, yet it seemed like I was almost as occupied - socializing with her, taking care of kids, cooking and such - as ever. I look back on it head-scratchingly and say WTF to myself. Oh well. I still wish we could see more of her. Without moving to Oregon.
Classic verbosity for you. Birthdays: To do them or not? I guess I ought to turn on comments. When this was retired, I needed them off to deal with comment spam.
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Mon May 11, 2009
No Telling Me To Go Away
You Are Rain
You are dark and dramatic. You tend to be a bit over the top.
You have strong emotions and they can change quickly. You are tempestuous.
You are wild and unpredictable. You tend to overwhelm and surprise people.
While you are aggressive, you are also a homebody. You don't really care for physical activities.
Sat May 09, 2009
If It's Cheating...
You Couldn't and Wouldn't Cheat on Someone
Cheating is totally out of the question for you. There's no way you'd do it.
You take commitment very seriously. You would never go back on your word.
And as far as cheaters go, you don't want anything to do with them.
You believe that people should be trustworthy in all aspects of their lives. Simple as that.
This lacks nuance in that it's possible to have an arrangement whereby it's open and "allowed" to one degree or another, and in that it's not cheating if de facto there is nothing to cheat on, for good or because it's on hiatus. Deb and I have read too much Heinlein, as I am fond of saying, and one of the ways in which we hit it off was our similar, rather unorthodox views on marriage as a social-religious-government institution, and what it should accomplish, is expected to accomplish, and how it had to have evolved.
It's actually shocking we got married in the first place, much less that she promoted the idea in the first week or so we'd escalated to the telephone. Ever the aggressor apparently overrides ever the marriage skeptic. She was convinced she could never successfully stay married, let alone find someone she'd be willing to marry.
There were things we knew or expected about each other up front. I fully expected that she would not be able to last a lifetime of marriage without straying, no matter how well we got along, no matter how good she thought I was, no matter how well traveled she'd been - if anything, because of that, I thought someday it would happen.
I knew I could probably have gone a lifetime without straying, but wondered if I'd get so curious that I might succumb if the opportunity presented aggressively enough. Who wouldn't wonder what it might be like with others, if they were missing something settling on the only one, ever? And with our attitudes, I knew at the very least I had a freebie available, with or without her as a participant, cheerleader or instigator.
Obviously it's hard to "cheat" if you're that degree of open, even if it might never happen. The result shows my attitude in the traditional sense. Kind of like being a conservative-leaning or sympathizing libertarian. As we've found, the gulf between the libertarians who made 2004 possible and the conservatives who made us wonder what we were thinking is wider than it has at times appeared.
There are times I wonder if Mike will fade and it will be a mere hiatus. Trouble is, the longer it goes on, the more I am pushed away, and the more that situation has to do with it. Not as a matter of cheating, but as a matter of being an ostensible replacement whose place in her life is made easier by me, and who is getting what should have been our first year together, making me retroactively jealous of what was denied.
On that note, I have to go feed the kids and do some cleaning. Well, and try to peck away at much neglected paying work for which I once had a place and resources to pursue.
Leading Indicators and More
But that doesn't factor in how emotionally invested I am in my work. I, like many of the women I know, have defined myself largely by my career for most of my life. I never thought about "having to" work. I work because I want to. I don't believe that being a good mother and having a great career are mutually exclusive.
Yeah, I've always been emotionally invested in my work. It defines me and my self-esteem, probably to excess.
“I can’t complain, because he’s the one taking them to school and driving them everywhere,” said Sally, who was reluctant to talk to me at first for this article because she felt she was betraying her husband. “But it’s affected the marriage. He feels demoralized about this and I’m starting to get resentful about being the one going off to work every day. I use a sick day if he gets an interview, but it’s hard. We thought about hiring someone for a little while so he could spend more time looking for a job, but that doesn’t seem like the best idea right now.”
Demoralized. Yeah, just a tad.
I'd feel better about it were a more ordinary situation we hadn't created ourselves before everything went all to hell.
Fri May 08, 2009
Naked Search Hits
It amuses me that this blog is still number 3 on Google for naked vulvas. Not sure about vulva or vulvae. After all this time!
Speaking of which, on Accidental Verbosity I had fun with celebrity names for search traffic, but she frowned on it mildly and we both kind of wanted to see what we could generate as "real" hits on Blogblivion, so I never replicated it. Perhaps I'll do it here for giggles. Food and tech stuff can also be big search traffic generators, but not worth making a point.
I watch so little anything now, I might not have any celebrities come to mind readily. Feels almost like TV and reading were two last things I had to give up, becoming essentially bereft of any interests or entertainment, as well as things that matter more. I clung tenuously to blogging, but not by much. I almost gave up cooking recently, and on some level did, as a beloved hobby rather than an unexpectedly inescapable chore demeaned rather than appreciated.
Thinking about goals, as the counselor mentioned in this weeks session, my second, I've thought about all the things I've given up that were a part of me or made me happy, in addition to the "happiest when unrestrained busy with work that's rewarding/appreciated" element that came out of my spewing about my work (and to some degree college and housing) history. I told her I have trouble even thinking of goals anymore. That was at the end and we were over time, but it's as if I lost my dreams and the ability to have more.
Time for bed!
Thu May 07, 2009
What an Odd Quiz Idea
Your Butt Says You're Competitive
You are a powerful, assertive person. You are a go-getter in all aspects of your life.
You are genuine and humble. You believe that there's more to you (and other people) than just looks.
You are drawn toward close, one-on-one relationships. You crave a partner - romantic or otherwise.
You are quiet and a bit timid. You tend to undersell yourself to other people.
You are easygoing and ready for adventure. You have no problem making fun of yourself.
Tue May 05, 2009
They Don't Get More Accurate!
You Need Success to Be Happy
You are a responsible and serious person. You like to do things well.
Reaching your goals is very important to you, and you don't like getting sidetracked.
You feel great when you are mastering new tasks and solving problems. You believe in hard work.
Nothing makes you feel worse than feeling like you are doing a bad job.
Anything that runs counter to this tends to get me down like a gravity-fed snowball that hasn't plunged into a ravine and disintegrated yet.
Mon May 04, 2009
It's Been An Adventure...
Decision and Plans
I've reached a decision, for now, and that is to revive this blog under the original URL. It still has links and a ton of history. If I change to a domain, that can wait.
If I install the right old version of WordPress and use a script skillfully, I should be able to port the content and make it a WordPress blog. If I have to, I might make it Expression Engine, but I'd rather have WP than EE, and it looks easier, oddly, to port from pMachine to WP than from EE to WP.
In the meantime, I have to edit the files and make some changes, like the title saying I am at the second marital blog. Since the famous blogger marriage is no more, or presumably so, as the trajectory that way at her behest seems uninterrupted, I want emphasis on a personal blog, even if I do post updates there at times.
Easy enough, if a pain relative to not editing manually.
And the design? It has to go! Maybe an elephant or two for old time's sake, but otherwise, not so much. I'd change it even if it stayed pMachine.
I'll probably port the solojay.com content here. I may port other content here. Not sure. I'll probably let solojay.com die. It never developed a following and I never got into posting. The host it's on doesn't allow posts with w.bloggar or other remote publishing tools, which seriously damages its usefulness. It has no ads to mandate or encourage it remaining. I don't know how I will afford to renew the domain.
Otherwise next up? I need to do medical posts. I'd normally post on Blogblivion and may still, but I'll replicate and/or expand on it here. I missed my time in which I was going to crow about so much better, only to get dramatically worse. Oh right, I do have neck pain. The cervical spine herniated disc is not as surprising as I'd thought. Oops.